Please forgive me for the lack of posts lately. I guess I'm going by the mantra, If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. My motivation has been lacking severely, and I've been struggling a lot in a lot of aspects of my life, not just the weight loss/fitness area. I went to 2 (or maybe 3, I can't quite remember!) sessions with a Christian Counselor, but I haven't been to any after that. I'm to the point that talking about my problems isn't going to make them any better. I have to be the one to change my circumstances. I guess the one good thing that came about from the counseling sessions, is that I know what type of job I want to have besides teaching-- an Executive/Administrative Assistant-type job. I've never done anything like it before, but I think it highlights the skills that I have. The salary is the only thing that could be a factor, b/c it would have to be about the same as what I'm making with teaching with a Master's. But I can't really do anything about it at the moment-- June is a long way off, so I just have to make it through until then.
With the cold weather now pretty permanent for awhile, my exercising has changed to evenings(can't seem to get my behind out of bed in the morning), rather than mornings, and it has made it very hard to have motivation for a good workout. I've still been getting some in, but with the emotional eating I've been doing, it's not going to help a whole lot with trying to lose weight. Monday I did swimming with the kick board, water weights, and treading water for 55 minutes, Tuesday I did the treadmill for 30 min, elliptical for 15, and the stationary bike for 15 (I think-- that may not be totally accurate), and then last night I did the treadmill for 15 min and the stationary bike for 15 minutes.

7-5-05
Caught in a reverie of illusionary thoughts,
With only few moments of true reality.
Wanting to live in a dream of dreams,
Rather than the present world of drear.
The dream that is there—
Feels so much better to live in,
Than what is in existence.
It’s those perfect chances
With no mistakes,
And absolute desires granted.
It’s those fantasy-lands of whimsical ideals
With tender hearted romances.
Caught in the middle
Of this seamless delusion—
While standing still
In this frozen state of mind.
It’s a wreck of the present.
It’s a myth inside the head—
With a fairytale beginning and ending
That is ultimately complete.
Such is the imagination of this timely sort,
A vicious tool of the mind—
So freely used,
So freely earned.
But careful with it be.

3-8-05
These demons have a hold on me—
Tempting me in my weakest state.
My strength has all but diminished—
And soon to be broken down.
What little will I almost had,
Has disappeared beyond a doubt.
This broken state I feel I’m in
Pulls me deeper to my knees.
My emotions rage—
Spin me upwards and within.
I cannot get control of them—
Because this Devil has me in his grasp.
I am his biggest win.
I gave in to his command.
Everything is a crashing course
With a fatal ending story.
The help I need is all too close,
But my pride refuses to give in.
So this destruction continues growing,
Getting deeper with each breath.
My control of myself needs to be given up
To that Someone I know who would help.
If only my stubbornness would not hold me back,
To let Him take control.